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09 July 2017 @ 07:12 pm
I'm so done. Two and a half almost fucken months of family living here. ALWAYS screaming ALWAYS fighting... I'm so tired of living in a house where the kids are never being punished right. Tired of living in a place where there is always screaming and it seems like the way one only listens to me is screaming. I brushed my hand Wednesday cus I was so done with this. I have all this shit in my room cuz it has no place to go cuz my parents don't have a bedroom. I want them out. I'm tired of never knowing what they're doing so we can't plan properly I'm tired of all the god damn chaos I'm trying to make my life less of chaos and they bring more in. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong in my own fucken house. and I'm so fucken tired of living in a fucken messy house. No matter how much I clean up after everyone it's back there two minutes later and it's not even the kids.  I am tired of all the god damn accesses that are being given. Their 'stressed','hot' , 'tired'. ALL OF US ARE. I have been fighting depression and feeling like I'm dying on the inside since May 1 due to not having my routine and all this chaos I seriously feel like I'm intruding on someone's else's life if I fucken speak. I feel so dead lost and depressed. I want things to go back to normal. I want an escape.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Wormword
19 June 2017 @ 05:45 pm

I know i said i would update for when i did this whole diet thing but it's been so over heating and with the way the kids and the sister are it's hard to always remember what i was doing.  So i'll do a wrap up of whats going on

Monday the house hold (minus the kids) started a  ketogenic diet. (Ketogenic diet is pretty much cutting all sugar and carbs. So at the start of this thing I was 205 (yes wrestling fans giggle). So after a week i am now down 9 pounds making me 196 Awesome I know. Also we get breakfast snack lunch snack dinner.  (also since this diet i been waking up at 5 so i can eat breakfast since my body has to be awake for an hour before i can eat) Also trying to make a habit of walking 3 to 4 times a day (mainly 3 for the dog).

WEEK 2 -start weight 196

So today was a very bleh shake for breakfast. Didn't tast much of anything then i didn't eat a morning snack cus i came home from work and ate lunch. Haven't had a after noons snack but dinner is being made as i type this which is grilled shirmp and Avacado salad (ew). Said i would try the Avacado but so far me and it do not jive. And already gone on 3 walks debating on a fourth i'm not sure i tend to like to go out when the sun is just setting and it's cooler so we will see. 

But yeah. Lost 9 pounds and so far i lost the most emought of weight. I know it's not a compation but it just feels nice. 

Current Mood: energeticenergetic
Current Music: Sure fire winners by Adam Lambert
29 May 2017 @ 10:32 pm
So i was just told yet again to 'let things go' when it comes towards the kids. So if they give me attitude i am to let it go. they don't listen to me i am to let it go and if they don't do there chores i am to let it go.... So fine i will let things go so if there is a bloody mess from things being being let go ... I will simply look at whom told me to 'let things go' and be like 'you said let things go '  
28 May 2017 @ 03:40 pm
Image result for supernatural gif
Such a tangled web is woven. You take family in so they wouldn't be on the streets by they just take advantage of you to the point you want to start keeping score of what you do when they tell you there tired and hurt and you don't understand. It is to the point I will be doing that. I'm getting tired of told I don't know what it's like. So I'm going to start logging every little detail. Everything I do to the point they can't tell me I don't understand. They act like I don't do anything besides sit here and wish they help. So I'm going to keep score. Seeing I been doing the kids jobs due to them not doing them when the family member is here. So to paraphrase the song beautiful strangers from devils carnival.  'Now, let's play a game'

Image result for supernatural gif
woke up at 5
stayed in my room til 9
walked the dog
fed my cat
put dishes in the dishwasher (kids job)
Put the pots and pans away
Brushed the dog (kid and family member's job)
vacuumed the floors (kids job)
Studied for an hour
did yoga
went out with my parents
came back picked up a dead mouse
walked the dog again

Kids and the family member:
went to church

So the family member is to do dinner tonight but can we guess who will be loading the dishwasher and washing the pots and pans?

Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Cary on my way ward son by Kansas
24 May 2017 @ 09:27 pm
I'm tired all the way around. Emotionally physically everything i just want to curl up in a ball and just let everything bury me deep in the ground. 
There is a ton of shit going down and I have no god damn control anywhere. Not at work and not in my own home. For an instance I took my dog for a 15 min walked my sister's dog when through the trash and threw it all over the kitchen. And after being told how the kid's homework is important I'm being told I have to bring my sister's son to the movies on a school night with his father. I was not asked I was TOLD. Not like I have a ton of shit to do around. I have no control at work since I was thrown more hours and I work my ass off and go over time to get my job done to only have the person who works the next day do nothing. I can talk til I'm blue in the face but nothing no one listens and it's like why the fuck does I even try anymore it's so fucken stupid why does it seem like the one who has kids doesn't see anything wrong with what's going on. All I can do is keep my fucken mouth shut and cry whenever I'm alone.
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
07 May 2017 @ 09:00 pm
So I failed my test i have to retake it. Also Sunday April 30th my sister niece and nephew along with 5 hermit crabs and there dog moved in. And we already had three adults here. Last week was a week of hell. And week two will be starting and I'm already done. The house is a mess I can't stand it i'm going fucken nuts cus shit being every where. I am hoping to slowly start going around and cleaning shit and move shit over and get more space and organized in this house or i will go mental. I'm not ocd but with crap where i'm tripping over it it's TOOOOO MUCH.
Current Mood: lonelylonely
26 April 2017 @ 10:01 pm
So with my life events changing. There have been songs calling to me more important than normal.  The lyrics seem to call out to my family and the events that have been coming at us. Wars have been started battles have been fought. The blood has been drawn. And only anger, rage, and guardian rises.  Allow the enemy to step over the line and there will be no life left to breathe. The list below is songs with the lyrics that call to me at this time.

~Black and blue by CFO$~
'I'm facing the demons I created, With every last part of me, To pay one day and I'll go on and on and on and on'

~Voices by Rev theory~
' I hear voices in my head, They counsel me, they understand, They talk to me. You got you losing your religion, There all designed to keep you safe, But when rules start getting broken, you start questioning your faith, I have a voice that is my savior, Hates to love and loves to hate, I have a voice that has the knowledge, And the power to move your fate.'

~Written in my face by Jim Johnston~
' It's a shame that they lost their head, A careless man who could wind up dead, You wear your sin like it's some kind of prize, too many lies, Too many lies. '

~Some and mirrors By Jim Johnson~
' Woah let me go, blood drips from your camera, It's like a knife held in your hand, What you're mad about? I don't know and I don't give a damn, Break the rules because I can.'
Current Mood: draineddrained
23 April 2017 @ 07:26 pm
Lots of shit going down but things are coming to a head. There will be three more people in the house last three weeks I been picking my niece and nephew up from school each day. It's been very stressful but with my stuff coming up I have to push the others aside and focus on my stuff. I will keep people posted from now I promise. Not that anyone actually reads this since there is never any comments or what not. But still I will keep people posted on daily bases cus now I will have a reason to come on the computer every night. 
Current Mood: stressedstressed
20 March 2017 @ 10:58 pm
A lot of stress coming and tears. I will take a deep breath and get through it. But just a lot going on and i don't know if ill be able to be working on crafts due to it or not.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious